The Knight, the Princess and The Beast
by rooty-boots
Summary: Just a silly piece of fluff dedicated to my mate francienyc... A princess is in peril, can the brave knight rescue her from the terrible ogre? Pevensie siblingbonding and all sortsa fun stuff


**This is a silly little oneshot inspired by and dedicated to francienyc. Just for laughs, you understand – I'll tell you right now, it's hardly Pulitzer Prize material, I just needed to get back in the game after a long time away. I'm a little rusty, but I hope you enjoy it all the same! (PS I don't any of these characters.)**

"Help me, somebody please!" the princess cried pitifully. She couldn't move; her arms and feet were bound and the sharp bark of the tree dug into her back. She had been kidnapped again.

"Squirm all you like, Princess," the ogre sneered, "Nobody will save you. You are mine now!" He advanced on her menacingly, wielding his club.

"Never!" she swore vehemently, wriggling against her bonds and staring at the ogre with pure contempt. "He will come, you'll see, and then you will regret your treatment of me… you… you… disgusting brute."

At this slur, the ogre gave an indignant yell and started towards her, raising his club…

"Stand back, fiend!" A knight, clad in gleaming armour, galloped into the clearing on a snowy white charger. He leapt down from his horse, drew his sword, and with both hands, pointed it at the ogre. The ogre looked at him for a moment and snorted.

Do you dare to laugh at me?" The knight demanded, glowering at him fiercely "Stand and fight like a man!"

"He's not a man," the princess pointed out from her tree, "He's a loathsome beast."

"Shut up!" The beast yelled over his shoulder, as he lifted his club. He ran headlong towards the knight, who bellowed:

"That is no way to speak to a lady… En guarde!"

"Have at you!" The ogre returned.

"Take that! And that!" The knight parried, and the two began to fight tooth and nail.

What ensued was a frenzied battle, with much heroism on the part of the knight, and not a few dirty tricks from the ogre - who, being an ogre - did not have any real sense of fair play. He attempted to trip the knight twice, and the second time succeeded - the knight fell on his face with a grunt, snapping his sword clean in two beneath him.

"Oh! Are you hurt… sir knight?" the princess gave a little scream.

"Don't worry about me, my lady…" the hero began, but before he could finish, the ogre was upon him and then the two were rolling in the mud.

This went on for such a long time that the princess began to get bored. She wriggled against the ropes which bound her to the tree, and which were chafing terribly. She really didn't enjoy being kidnapped at all, but the very nature of the thing meant she never got much choice in the matter. She tried to bear it patiently, but sometimes, like today, it all got too much. She raised her voice in complaint.

"Can't we get this part over with? You've been fighting for ages now. It's not fair… My hands are going purple."

The knight looked up at her, releasing the ogre from a headlock.

"Oh, come on… this is the best bit! I didn't tie you _that _tight."

"Yes… stop being a baby," the ogre sat up and glared at her. "You should be grateful! We're fighting for your honour… aren't we?" He looked for confirmation to the knight, who thought about this for a second and replied:

"Well… _I_ am. I think _you_ just want to eat her."

The ogre seemed mightily pleased with this assessment of his motivations, and he cackled loudly, gnashing his teeth.

"Well," Susan (for it was she) sniffed reprovingly, "_I _like the bit where the knight rescues the princess. Can't we just hurry up and get to that?"

At this, Edmund gave up all pretence of being a terrible ogre and sneered:

"Ugh… no! I hate that bit! It's soppy!"

"It is not! You only hate it because it means Peter gets to kill you," Susan pointed out, and the knight forgot about gallantry for a moment and laughed out loud.

"It's true, she's got you there," he chuckled, "But that's _my _favourite part, so come on… hold still! I have to stab you."

"Why can't _I_ be the hero for once? Why do I always have to be the stupid beast?" Edmund huffed, and he sat up, folding his little arms and sticking out his lip.

"Because you _are_ a stupid little beast," Peter retorted, "Anyway, when we tried that, you wouldn't kiss the princess. You wouldn't even untie her! You just kept poking at her with a stick."

At this memory, Edmund gave his sister an evil grin; perhaps it _was_ more fun being the villain. He could feel himself getting back into his character...

The princess on the other hand seemed to have forgotten herself altogether; she made a face and stuck out her tongue.

"Exactly! That's not how knights behave, Edmund. They're supposed to be heroic!"

"Well, my knight doesn't like girls! Girls are wet... if you can't save yourself, I don't see why I should bother…"

"I'm not supposed to save myself!" Susan yelled, wriggling more vigorously now. "The knight is meant to save the princess, that's the whole point! That's why _you_ can't be the hero - You're rubbish at it…"

"No, I'm not! I'm braver than Peter is…."

"Oh, will you two stop bickering!" Peter cut in. "I'm the eldest, and I say that you're the ogre… And stop wriggling Susan - if the ropes get undone, you'll ruin the ending."

Finally satisfied that everything was as it should be, Peter cleared his throat and continued:

"Now, for dishonouring this lady, Beast, you shall die!" and snatching up the remains of his sword (really a large stick) the knight plunged it deep into the space under the ogre's armpit.

The ogre's death throes were really something to behold. He grunted and shrieked and clutched at the blade. Then, just when you thought he was dead, it began all over again. Indeed, he thrashed for such a long time that the knight was forced to pinch him, just a little bit.

At last, all was quiet. The battle weary knight dragged himself up and went to release the fair maiden from her cruel bondage. She wasn't as grateful as one might expect.

"Hurry up, I'm going numb... it's hurting!"

"How can it be numb and hurting at the same time?" Peter pointed out, a little irritably, as he worked at the ropes with his fingers. "Stop wriggling, I'm going as fast as I can! These are good knots. I should know; I tied them."

"I helped," the dead ogre muttered, but was subdued back into the grave with a glare.

Eventually the task was done. Susan hissed as the ropes that bound her wrists came off and the blood rushed painfully back into her hands. She hadn't been making it up; they really had turned quite blue. Peter, secretly proud of his knot-tying ability but sorry all the same, gave Susan a remorseful look and rubbed them until the colour started to come back.

"Alright now? I won't do it so tight next time, I promise."

Susan nodded, a little grumpily. Bending to retrieve his sword from the ground Peter started to pull her away, but she seemed reluctant to follow.

"Come on, princess… We have to get away from the ogre's lair before more come to avenge him,"

"But, you're supposed to kiss me, or… or… tell me a sonnet or something!" she pouted, and the ogre – apparently not quite dead yet – made vomiting noises. The knight sighed, scrunched up his face and bent down to touch his lips to the princess' hand (now a slightly more normal shade.)

"There… Now stop being a drip and come on."

It wasn't quite the declaration of undying love she secretly hoped for, but Susan had learnt not to expect too much from her suitors and was quite satisfied. The knight picked up his noble steed from the grass where it lay, one wheel still spinning lazily, and waited for the princess to climb up behind him. This was always more tricky than it needed to be as Su always insisted on riding side-saddle.

She had just got settled and they were all ready to ride off into the sunset when the door to the nearby castle opened and the Queen emerged.

"Children! I've got to pop next door; can you come in and watch your sister for a moment? She's just woken up from her nap."

Susan leapt happily off the back of Peter's bicycle and run to her mother: "Yes! Can I get her out of her cot, mum?"

Mrs Pevensie nodded, and smiled down at her daughter, "If you're careful. You can feed her her lunch as well, if you like. It's in a bowl in the kitchen"

"Hooray! Come on you two… let's play mothers and fathers now. I'm bored of this game," and without looking back, she ran into the kitchen.

"No!" The late ogre sat up abruptly and hammered his feet on the ground. He did _not_ like this idea at all; it was one thing to always have to be the villain, but it was quite another to be forced to wear a bib and crawl around on the floor. Peter rolled his eyes of course, but he didn't mind too much: he secretly enjoyed being the man of the house.

"Come on Ed, it won't be that bad. She's got Lu to keep her occupied this time, and loads of dolls. Maybe she'll let you be the grandfather or… the dog or something," and with that he got off his bike and moved to follow Susan inside.

Edmund sat alone on the grass for a moment, pouting. It was so unfair! Then, he had a sudden thought, and a naughty little smile began to tickle the corners of his mouth. Alright… he'd be the dog, if he had to. But what Peter and Susan didn't know was that this dog was really half wolf… and it ate stupid dolls for breakfast…

And the Edmund-wolf turned his face to the sky and howled.


End file.
